Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
where are you?
Hypothermia
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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