After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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