Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
