We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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