K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
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Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
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There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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