i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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