forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
