Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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