We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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