The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
