Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
