The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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