I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
