Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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