If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
