Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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