He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
