if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Randomize
