Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
