Umm I'm too high to move.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
