my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
