Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
