My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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