I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
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They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
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I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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