OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
The best revenge is premature balding
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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