If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
