I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
