I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
