Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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