my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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