saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
