she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
