My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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