Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
