I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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