man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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