I swear god or herbie drove my car home
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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