just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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