having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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