i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
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Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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