I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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