I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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