Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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