my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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