What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
