I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
