Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
