if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
