this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
