Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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