dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
