Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
