nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
