fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
