I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
he fucked my hip out of place.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
