i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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